Boy Behind The Wall,
I think it’s the stuff of tragedies that you allow yourself to become a product of what has happened to you; When you sabotage your own happiness; When you carry all of your issues around with you, under a dark rainy cloud, in a way that makes you unapproachable to anyone who doesn’t deserve to be rained on; to anyone who may have good intentions.
It is no one’s fault, but yours and the person who hurt you, that you got hurt. Maybe it’s not even your fault that you got hurt, but its certainly not the world’s fault. It’s no one else’s responsibility to carry the baggage you were left with.
In fact, if you take the time to really be there for yourself when you’re hurting and when you’re healing, then no one has to carry the baggage at all. Not even you. That’s the thing about issues: when you pull them apart, they aren’t issues anymore. You have the ability to origami issues into lessons so they don’t become burdens. But only YOU can do that.
I think its hard for you to separate the things that have happened to you. You’re not alone in that. But when you go into a situation with a whole heart and it doesn’t work out the way you planned, you need to pick yourself up, adjust, take what you need to from the experience and leave the rest behind. If you spend the rest of your life expecting the present to apologize for the past, you’ll never see the future.
Just because one person didn’t appreciate your heart, doesn’t mean that no one else deserves the chance to see it. The world is already a bitter, ugly place most of the time & its filled with too many heartbroken, resentful people dragging their own issues along behind them. The world has plenty of darkness, can’t you spare a little of your light?
You are so much more than the series of unfortunate events you have been a part of. You are so much more than any heartbreak or pain you could ever endure.
If you’re waiting for someone to come along who is going to remind you what love is, you’re going to be waiting awhile. Because the only person who can remind you of it, is you. You are so worth loving, but you have to LET yourself be loved. You have to be ready for it. You have to LET yourself be ready for it.
I wish it could have been me.
I’ll never get to know the rasp of your voice when you’re running on too little sleep and too much love. The smell of black coffee that lingers in the air between warm kisses. The absolute possession that radiates from your body when your hand lingers at the small of my back. The pleading of “please fix me” that reads from your eyes but never falls from your lips. But someone will.
I wish it could have been me.
But sometimes people just get burned out from running into your brick wall, of climbing your fortress, of apologizing for someone else’s mistakes, of being pulled in and rushed away again just as quickly; sometimes people just get dizzy from the constant motion of 2 steps forward & 6 steps back. They just get tired of dancing.
Sincerely,
Girl Who Could Have Loved You
Alyssa Chaffee 