Wishful Thinking With The Worst Intentions

 

I’m my own worst enemy.
I’ll never let myself be happy.
Two steps forward, six steps back.
It’s always about them proving themselves.
& even when they do I’ll convince myself that it’s still not enough.
Nothing will ever be enough.
Two steps forward, six steps back.
I’ve been building a wall up for years.
I’ve spent more time & energy giving people reasons to leave,
than I have giving them reasons to stay.
And when few souls linger behind, I’ll spend more time convincing them otherwise,
than appreciating the solitude.
Two steps forward, six steps back.
I’ll sit alone behind my creation and wish for company.
Wishful thinking with the worst intentions.
Even if you came, I wouldn’t let you stay.
I’d push.
And fight.
And beg you to leave.
& so you would.
Two steps forward, six steps back.
Even though you left, I couldn’t stand to hear you leave.
I’d pull.
And cry.
And beg you to stay.
You’d stop & reach behind that barrier for my hand.
It would shake, & I’d curse it for being a traitor.
You’d run a solemn finger pad across my chest.
You’d stop & reach behind that barrier for my heart.
“You’ll get tired of running”, you’d say.
“& this will get tired of making you”.
Two steps forward, six steps back.
“Sir,” I’d say,
“A heart beats not for what it loves-
But for the chase for that love it will never find”.
Even though you came, I wouldn’t let you stay.
I pushed.
I fought.
And I begged you to leave.
& so you did.
Two steps forward, six steps back.