I keep having this recurring daydream where he shows up, standing in my doorway, offering me handfuls of apologies. I never actually hear the sense he tries to make of all of this nonsense he has put me through, so I can’t tell you if it holds any weight or not. Let’s be honest though: it couldn’t possibly. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
Regardless, when he is standing there, staring at me trying to explain his way out of the darkness he has left me in, I can just see the blank expression on my face; the disconnect. Like I’m staring into that darkness & literally seeing just that: darkness. Though whatever he says is muted, I can hear myself clearly speaking back to him:
“I don’t know you.”
“I don’t know who you are.”
“I don’t know anything about you.”
“I don’t know who you are.”
“I don’t know you”.
I can hear myself repeating the same things over and over again as if I’m speaking to a stranger, but I never shut the door.
I can see myself, blank-faced, mouthing different versions of the same sentences.
& then suddenly I don’t know if it’s him I’m saying those things to,
or myself.
Alyssa Chaffee 