Lessons Learned

I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life with someone, planning the REST of my life. The plan is obviously irrelevant now & I’m surprisingly a lot more ‘okay’ with that than expected. Everyone likes to remind me of this with their constant “I don’t know how you do it”‘s & their “I’m so proud of you for how you’re handling this”. To be honest though, I don’t mind the reminders.. Because I’m pretty damn proud of myself too & I don’t really know how I’m doing it either.
And while I can’t make sense of a lot in the wake of this heartbreak, there are a few things that are crystal clear:

I’ve always been someone to wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m constantly over-analyzing and re-evaluating how to pour my heart out to mostly the people who don’t deserve it. I would like to think that over the years I have fine-tuned my horrible taste in people & while I can’t vouch for that improvement just yet, I can say that what I HAVE fine-tuned is more important: how I treat myself.

I used to beat myself up. If someone decided not to love me anymore, I couldn’t remember why I should love myself either. Even though I knew that the outcome of our relationship wasn’t my fault, I blamed myself for allowing it to happen. How could such a pretty girl allow herself to get so hurt? What did I do to make them not want me anymore? At the time of these heartbreaks, I couldn’t understand that they were doing me a favor. These were the kinds of boys that left because I didn’t NEED them enough for them to WANT me anymore or because they didn’t know THEMSELVES well enough to know someone else the way they should.
I wish I could sit with the girl I was then while she cried; while she curled up with fist-fulls of heartbreak & just laid down in the sadness & remind her of her strength. I wish I could grab her shaky face between my steady hands & tell her that whatever that was, it wasn’t LOVE. That if no one else will give you the love you deserve, you better be the first one in line to give it to yourself.
How could such a strong girl allow herself to think anything less?

I’m an independent person by nature & over the years, I have harnessed it. I want to do it myself, have it all to myself, work for it all by myself, and anything else BY MYSELF. I’ve always thought of it as equal parts vice and virtue that I try my best to not need anyone & I don’t let anyone think otherwise. I think this is probably part of the reason that I tell everyone I’m not a “second chance” kind of person when it comes to those I allow close to me. I don’t want to give someone the chance to get close to me, allow them to hurt me, leave & then attempt to try it all again in hopes of a different outcome. I don’t want that person to think that I NEED them in my life; that this person-shaped hole has just been hollowed out in my life waiting for them to show back up & fill the void. I don’t need them & what I definitely don’t need is the coin-flip of a second chance. 50/50 odds of the second chance winding up JUST like the first chance is not, nor will it ever be, betable odds to me.

You might not agree with me. You might be thinking to yourself: “Sometimes people just don’t get it right the first time”. You’re right, they don’t always. Sometimes being too scarce with second chances can leave you an island in and of yourself. I completely agree..
I think however, that there comes a time in your life when you have to draw the line (in the sand of that damn island if need be) between whats best for YOU & what’s best for everyone else. I hope that line points you in the direction of what you deserve & what/who you can live without. I hope that line teaches you the difference between being alone & being lonely. There is a very long list with your name on it of all the things that you deserve and at the very top is SELF LOVE. You deserve love in every corner of your life; in friends, family, lovers. But most of all, you deserve it from yourself.

The point I’m trying to make is this: Guard your heart. It’s the only one you’ve got. Don’t be afraid to be stingy with second chances if your GUT is telling you to. Respect yourself & you will grow into the strong person you sometimes forget you can be. It’s okay to be alone & love it. It’s NOT okay to be alone & hate yourself or your life or anything else that you have the power to change by just giving yourself a little bit of love. Allow yourself to come up for air after the shipwreck of a heartbreak, or wash your hands clean of a toxic relationship, if it makes you feel a little lighter. Because god, the world is heavy enough already.